I awoke thinking of you again. I slept on the beach at Big Sur last night. I went there late, feeling rather sensual. I just needed to feel the cold sand in my toes, as they say. It was just windy enough that my dress kept flying in the air. I sat down, to not embarrass the animals with my bloomers. Then I laid down for only a moment, before falling asleep, for I barely remember finishing my thought about my opinion of the moon's reflection upon the deep waters. What I wanted to think was how perfect it seemed. I'd never seen a real reflection look so perfect. I've never been one for reflections anyway, though you know I prefer my shadow.
When I woke up, I could hear your voice in the waves. I quickly remembered the one and only true argument we ever had. I believe it was about lack of cable tv for those living in poverty in the summers, and our opinions on how this could make way for more violence in the ghettos. There we were, consuming something like romaine smoothies or udon noodles (which I bet you had made), our bowls placed on your wood-carved table, and our eyes burning each other, not blinking just once. Too cool ourselves off, I think we both began crying. I don't recall our resolution, but I did notice we simply made a problem for ourselves, something uncommon for either of us.
This most likely occurred to me for that very reason. I can't help but make problems for myself as of late. I have began to fear things I never would have before. I am getting old, brother, I am growing in ways I can not understand. I mean, I just noticed that my father's hair has turned grey. I asked him how long it's been, and he replied, "maybe 6 years or so". Do you know what happened 6 years ago, brother, do you? Six years "or so" ago, my father's only daughter left him to travel 2,500 miles away to the heat of the desert, where she lived poorly for that entire year. Once, when he came to try and pull me from the cacti, I let him get as far as about 200 miles east of Albuquerque, before telling him to go on without me.
The following year, my angel left me, and guidance has never seemed so crucial since.
It's just like I am blind, or I just can't escape my own thoughts. When you can't escape your own thoughts, you simply can't really join reality either.
Today is a day of great decision making, and these decisions are going to be made on my own!
I wish I could tell you about it, but I'm uncertain you have much reception where you are. Your father announced your next adventure in Wyoming. He showed a picture of a sign in the park, explaining how to avoid bears. I just imagined you sitting with one, sharing food, but I believe the point was just that he is proud, yet worries as well. I guess that is the consensus. I still know your strengths, though. I understand that if something were to happen to you, that it would be no accident at all, but rather just the end of your rope, for lack of a better phrase! Oh my, that was uncanny.
I think about you so much. I promised to bring and tackle the watermelon this year, if the annual trip still takes place.
I can't tell if I miss you or if you're here.
Anyway, be safe.
as always,
toothbrush
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